Photo by: MissAyleen
Here I sit in the early morning hours, curled up on my comfy sofa, embracing the perfect hot cuppa of English Breakfast. Pulling my knees in closer, I close my eyes and begin to focus for a brief moment on the feelings and emotions that are tucked deep inside this heart of mine. Tears begin to well up as I reflect back to sitting in a tattered mauve chair next to my father, holding his hand and telling him how much I love him. To then hear him softly say in return, "I love you. You're so beautiful and precious. Don't you ever forget that." More tears.
I continue to wade through the emotions that come along with facing grief, for it's not just the fact of having to watch someone you love die, but trying to prepare yourself in the process of it all for the when. It's frankly impossible. On top of that, guilt makes itself known in the most inconspicuous ways and before I know it, I'm blindsided and left with a heavy heart for not being by my father's side every waking moment. Ugh.
Every night I turn to look at my phone multiple times, fearing a missed call. I struggle with allowing myself to fully slip back into life's regular routine for fear the moment that I do, I'll receive another blow of bad news. It may sound pathetic, but it's reality and what I wake to each morning.