Friday, September 02, 2011

Tucked within

Photo by: MissAyleen

Here I sit in the early morning hours, curled up on my comfy sofa, embracing the perfect hot cuppa of English Breakfast.  Pulling my knees in closer, I close my eyes and begin to focus for a brief moment on the feelings and emotions that are tucked deep inside this heart of mine.  Tears begin to well up as I reflect back to sitting in a tattered mauve chair next to my father, holding his hand and telling him how much I love him.  To then hear him softly say in return, "I love you. You're so beautiful and precious. Don't you ever forget that."  More tears.

I continue to wade through the emotions that come along with facing grief, for it's not just the fact of having to watch someone you love die, but trying to prepare yourself in the process of it all for the when.  It's frankly impossible.  On top of that, guilt makes itself known in the most inconspicuous ways and before I know it, I'm blindsided and left with a heavy heart for not being by my father's side every waking moment. Ugh.

Every night I turn to look at my phone multiple times, fearing a missed call.  I struggle with allowing myself to fully slip back into life's regular routine for fear the moment that I do, I'll receive another blow of bad news.  It may sound pathetic, but it's reality and what I wake to each morning.
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12 comments

  1. Oh Sophia,
    This is such a hard time for you. I know how you feel as I have been through it 4 times with my parents and my husbands. You are doing all that you can and have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Try to remember all of the happy times, although, I know things have never been easy for you, but, I'm sure there are some lovely memories to recall. It is the best way to get through these dark times and, I think that you are doing marvelously. I, for one, am very proud at the way you are handling it.
    We are all thinking of you. XXXX

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  2. take each day one day at a time Sophia. That's all you can do.

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  3. Totally know where you are coming from. Sending prayers of strength!

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  4. No. it's not pathetic at all actually. Makes total sense. Considering all you've been through it says alot how much you still care. you need to just let it all out. It will take time but you have overcome far greater things that i know you'll do it. I am sorry though.

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  5. ((((((((Sophia))))))))) My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

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  6. Take one day at a time. Your father would not want you to feel any guilt. Parents want children to be happy...that is our dream for our children.Try to find some fun moments in your day, amongst the grief. Remember everyone handles grief differently. You do for yourself what you must.. there is no right way to deal with such pain! My heart is with you!! I have been through this twice...each was so different.

    Hugs to you

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  7. "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles...it empties today of it's strength. "
    — Mary Engelbreit ... I always keep that on the back burner of my brains, whatever black cloud shades the sunshine ... Loooove my dad so much ... as you do ... Just be there for him fully in thoughts when you can not be there in person ... That helps a lot ...

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  8. What a beautiful photo! and i love your pumpkin! Baby steps, big hug!

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  9. I'm sending you warm thoughts today. It is hard to cope with 'life as usual' when you are going through something like this. I remember going to work when my Mother was in this situation and thinking "why are these people at work so concerned about these unimportant things?". When you are faced with life and death, the day to day things become so trivial. You can see that, but others don't. So be patient and kind to yourself as you cope with all of these emotions. May you have peace of mind and an understanding heart : )

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  10. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with this, you've gone through so much. Please don't feel guilty, everyone does the best they can. Your father doesn't want you to feel guilty, he wants you to live each life to the fullest.
    Thank goodness you've been able to share beautiful moments with him, these are important.
    Hang in there, you are stronger than you think
    hugs

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  11. I know how hard this time is,, we are all here for you,,

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  12. sophia, my heart goes out to you. As you know my mother in law passed recently and the emotion I felt in the upcoming days and afterwards are hard to describe. It also made me realize that when my parents are near end - how will I handle that after this has been so hard...I can't imagine. So, you are in my thoughts. dana

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