Friday, September 30, 2011

Final stages

I sit here tonight after a terrible fit of sobbing and vomiting.  Just a few moments ago my baby brother informed me that father is no longer alert.  Not even facially as he was just yesterday.  He's mainly "sleeping", occasionally opening his eyes to look around.

It was such an incredibly difficult conversation with my brother, exchanging heartache and tears, yet attempting to console one another from such great distance.  I feel guilty knowing I had a week with my father being alert and able to converse with me, yet my brother, only one day.  Now he sits next to my father's bed holding his hand, struggling to stay awake for fear that he might miss just one more glance or squeeze of his own hand from dad.  Many tears here as I share this with you.

My thoughts now?  Many and overwhelming, accompanied with loss of appetite, body pain and sometimes feeling like there's not enough air in the room to breathe!  Ugh.

I'll always call him "daddy".  It might seem childish to some but that doesn't matter to me as he's my father and there's a gratefulness deep within my heart that words could never express.  A gratefulness of knowing that a once tragic past of hurt and pain was mended and healed from a few simple words...

"I'm sorry, my precious daughter."

"I forgive you, daddy."

I know the Heavens rejoiced that day (a little over 3 years ago), watching a father and daughter reunite and start life once again.  I only wish we were able to live that "new life" a little bit longer.

And daddy?  I will NEVER forget you nor stop loving you.
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16 comments

  1. This is very hard to read and respond to. I have been following you for a long time and reading the status about your father through your posts. In this hard state to overcome at the moment please know that miracles do happen. They really do. There is someone watching over your father right now. I pray for you. I pray that he pulls through this. He is very strong and has overcame so much through this journey. Please let me know of any updates. I am here for you.

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  2. sending you thoughts, energy, and prayers

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  3. Sophia,
    my thoughts cntinue to be with you - sending love and hugs your way today! xo

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  4. oh Sophia, my heart aches for you.
    he is your only 'daddy' so to call his this always is tender and dear.
    i send you light, now and always.

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  5. Oh Sophia :( sending you a hug and a cup of tea. Hang in there.

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  6. crying...with you and for you. My thoughts are with you dear friend

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  7. xxx daddy is a lovely word and I am so glad that you both came to forgiveness.thinking of you.

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  8. This brings tears to my eyes and shows the power of forgiveness with the changes it brings.

    I'm sure we are all lifting you and your family up in our own ways through hopes, prayers and thoughts. Hang in there. I can't imagine what it must be like. Another heartache and another chance to see just how precious life indeed is, in the power of reconciliation.

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  9. Your love will negate time and distance.

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  10. Sophia ~ sending you healing Reiki energy and many hugs to help you in your journey in dealing with losing your Dad ~ He will be with you always in Spirit ~ and hold on to the loving memories ~ Cry, laugh, grieve, and feel 'all of the above' it is all part of the process of loss ~ hugs, love and namaste, Carol and zoe ^_^ ~

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  11. Oh Sophia,
    I wish I had words to comfort you... You have been (and continue to be) in my thoughts and prayers.

    Kristin

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  12. He will be waiting for you in heaven. I'm so sorry for the terrible pain you are feeling.

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  13. So sorry Sophia. I know how hard this has been for you. Please remember that you've done everything you could for your dad and he's had enough lucid moments to know that. And forgiveness is often the best gift you can give someone.

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  14. Oh Sophia, so sorry to hear all of this. I lost my dad 3 years ago to cancer and the end was awful and we were estranged but like you I was able to hear those words "I love you" and I forgave him, a moment I will forever be grateful for. I too wished for more time in our renewed relationship. My heart goes out to you and your family as you go through this difficult time. I know there are no words except to say you are in my thoughts. Just know that your blog community is here for you. Sending you peace and love . . .

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  15. Oh I'm so sorry for this pain you are going through,, please know I have you and your family in my prayers,

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