Final stages

I sit here tonight after a terrible fit of sobbing and vomiting.  Just a few moments ago my baby brother informed me that father is no longer alert.  Not even facially as he was just yesterday.  He's mainly "sleeping", occasionally opening his eyes to look around.

It was such an incredibly difficult conversation with my brother, exchanging heartache and tears, yet attempting to console one another from such great distance.  I feel guilty knowing I had a week with my father being alert and able to converse with me, yet my brother, only one day.  Now he sits next to my father's bed holding his hand, struggling to stay awake for fear that he might miss just one more glance or squeeze of his own hand from dad.  Many tears here as I share this with you.

My thoughts now?  Many and overwhelming, accompanied with loss of appetite, body pain and sometimes feeling like there's not enough air in the room to breathe!  Ugh.

I'll always call him "daddy".  It might seem childish to some but that doesn't matter to me as he's my father and there's a gratefulness deep within my heart that words could never express.  A gratefulness of knowing that a once tragic past of hurt and pain was mended and healed from a few simple words...

"I'm sorry, my precious daughter."

"I forgive you, daddy."

I know the Heavens rejoiced that day (a little over 3 years ago), watching a father and daughter reunite and start life once again.  I only wish we were able to live that "new life" a little bit longer.

And daddy?  I will NEVER forget you nor stop loving you.

One last lullaby

My heart is running on empty this afternoon. I can barely think, let alone function. My father’s death clock is ticking so loudly it’s pretty much unbearable. Just about an hour ago I was conferenced in on a call with doctors, nurses, Hospice and my aunt/uncle and was informed there is nothing else they can do for my father.

I can’t breathe. I just can’t breathe. My head is spinning in too many circles and I feel faint.

I was told that things with my father have significantly declined in the last 24 hours. The oxygen he was put on yesterday is not helping at all. As of today, he can no longer move and is unable to speak at all - only facial expressions to tell them what he needs.

In less than an hour, I will call his room where Hospice will place the phone to my father’s ear and although he won’t be able to respond, I’ll express my love and sing softly to him one - last - time…

Inside-Out

Let me tell you how long it took me to write this short post as my body feels incredibly weak and consumed with heartache far more than any amount of words could express at this moment. My entire body aches and longs for some sort of reprieve but each hour that passes proves there will most likely be none anytime soon.  In the meantime, I feel incredibly ill inside and out. Ugh.

I spoke with my baby brother earlier this morning, providing an update regarding father’s current diagnosis. It broke my heart to hear his sobs on the other end and his cries of, “Oh my God. Oh my God! I felt my body slump against the brick wall outside in the courtyard as tears gushed, trying to find the words to encourage him. Obviously nothing I said felt good enough. I knew that. No words exist in the human vocabulary to comfort anyone of such grief during a time as this.

For now, my father struggles to breathe, is very weak and fighting so much unbearable pain as I sit here thousands of miles away, helpless and waiting…

Unexpected grief...

Although it was only a few hours ago of writing about such a lovely day, I unfortunately received a call from my aunt and the facility where my father currently is, informing me his condition is deteriorating quickly.  So much, that I've been told not to expect him to make it through the night.

I'm not sure if this is it or not, but my heart is very heavy with grief and sadness tonight.  I can't stop crying...

UPDATE:  It's mid-afternoon on Monday and just received a call from my aunt that my dad was placed on oxygen this afternoon as he can no longer breathe on his own.  I can't bare much more, really.  I feel completely helpless and guilty doing anything other than focusing on my father.

Lovely Day

I've had quite the lovely today and much needed, let me tell you.  I climbed out of bed early for a Sunday morning, threw on my yoga pants and tee, and made my way to the gym.  You'd be surprised at the pep talk I give myself every morning, but let me tell you how great I feel physically and emotionally after a 40 minute workout.  Uh huh  No, I'm not one of those rock-hard girls nor do I want to be, but I like to be fairly fit.

After a rejuvenating shower I found myself in the kitchen mixing together my own special batter to make French Toast served with eggs, a small glass of Cranberry juice and the perfect cuppa of PG Tips.

Breakfast was followed by a casual half hour walk with the pups, reflecting on life, my father, friends, God and some challenging upcoming changes in my life.  Nothing could ever replace those moments of being able to seek solitude and peace when life seems to be barreling out of control at times.

Last but not least, I drove to one of my favourite local towns where I perused a few shops including a fabulous paper shop (see photos above), a garden store, and chocolate shop with the best dark chocolate truffles around.

Uh huh..this little gal had quite a lovely day.

Sunday Sketches

(Place photo of whimsical tree here.  Accidentally deleted.)

Hello - hello! Welcome to another wonderful Sunday Sketches.  I've been up and down this past week from an ongoing headache to fighting off a nasty cold.  So, above is an Autumn WIP.  I'm not sure where I'm going with this one, but it's been fun thus far.

Now, off to visit everyone else.  :)

Grab the Sunday Sketches button here.

This week's participants:
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PPF - Live, Love, Laugh

(Photo accidentally deleted. Grr)

When I finally returned to work this week after being ill, a team meeting was held where everyone was asked to create a drawing of how they would like to see their life in 5-10 years.

The above sketch/painting (all with a marker which left black spots all over my hands, let me tell you!) was my creation.  We only had 10 minutes to draw something so it's nothing that spectacular art wise (e.g. my kitchen counter "accident") but it was a fun challenge and something very rare where I work!  :)

Some things in my boxes might not ever happen but hey, one can dream, yes?  My heart and passion is to see every single piece above eventually unfold in my life, all creating the perfect mix to LIVE -- LAUGH -- LOVE!

For more Paint Party Friday love, visit here.

From Me, With Love

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I've had this idea for months now to create some watercolour holiday tags.  As you can see above, I've started my first attempt at developing some.  They still need tweaking but not bad for someone who has  been sick all day.  Sad, but true and feeling like there's been no improvement since this morning.  Ugh.  But art seems to be the perfect coping mechanism right now to get me through the heartache and pre-grief (is there such a thing?) of my father's condition.

More hot cuppas and a snuzzly blanket or two, please.

Update on Dad

I just wanted to leave a quick note and apologize that I've not visited any Sunday Sketch peeps or bloggie friends.  I've had to deal with several very difficult calls today regarding my father, including two with him in which are potentially my last.

I've cried so much today that it's left me physically and emotionally exhausted.  Every part of me seems to hurt right now.

Please understand that my father comes first since he is dying and tomorrow is not promised.  It's terribly heartbreaking to hear how much he is currently suffering.  My prayers now consist of pleas for angels to take him home.

Sunday Sketches

It's time for another round of Sunday Sketches!  Uh huh.  I trust that this little note finds each and every one of you doing well and enjoying your weekend.  :)

After doing a few Christmas splotch birdies, it seemed appropriate to throw in a little of Autumn in the mix.  This one didn't exactly turn out as I'd hoped but still cute nevertheless.

OK, of to visit everyone else.  Happy SS!

This week's participants:
Please sign-up below to submit your sketch for this week, which will also allow others to stop and visit.

Grab the Sunday Sketches button here.

Pressing along, splotch birdies and all

Wanted to share one of my recent splotch birdies that I managed to squeeze out after a few days of emotional stuff going on with my dad.  Every time I think I've found a good balance to cope with the current situation, something else happens. My father's health is quickly deteriorating and I'm struggling to accept it again.  Ugh. Tears.

It's been a fairly quiet evening tonight and one that has been needed for the last few days.  I sip on one last hot cuppa for the evening and allow it's warmth to sooth my hurting heart tonight.  It won't be long until I crawl into a bed far too big for just me yet perfect enough to hide in and far beneath a pile of soft blankets that will 'embrace' me as I sleep away the night.

Oh, I almost forgot to link in to Paint Party Friday!  Make sure to stop by and take a peek at the other lovely inspirations.  :)

Sunday Sketches

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Hello and WELCOME to another lovely Sunday Sketches.  I hope this little post finds each of you doing well.

Above are some Holiday ATC cards that I'm currently working on, along with a sneak peak of my new business cards that are in the works.  Woot!  :)

Happy SS everyone!

This week's participants:
Please sign-up below to submit your sketch for this week, which will also allow others to stop and visit.

Grab the Sunday Sketches button here.

Everything Alice

(Photos accidentally deleted.)

So, what's a pretty little lady like myself supposed to do when wanting to be creative and discover I'd forgotten my paper and pencils when heading out the door early this morning?  Grab a napkin and pen, of course!  Uh huh.

Nothing special but wanted to toss down an idea inspired by a lovely book entitled, "Everything Alice".  I stumbled upon it a few weeks back and fell in love with it.  There's even an adorable blog for it and can be found here.

Now, I'm off to take my camera and do some exploring and pick up a new box of tea!

Sunday Sketches

Welcome to another week of Sunday Sketches!  It's been a delightfully cooler weekend thus far and this little chick is oh so loving it.  Uh huh.  Can you say, pre Autumn?

This week I couldn't get mushrooms out of my head so I decided to throw some ideas to paper.  The first draft was tossed quickly, however, I'm loving the final one above.

Happy SS everyone!  :)

This week's participants:
Please sign-up below to submit your sketch for this week, which will also allow others to stop and visit.

Grab the Sunday Sketches button here.

My Sweet Saturdays

 

I love my Saturday mornings.  Although I rarely sleep in incredibly late, I allow myself to stay tucked away underneath a pile of comforters a wee bit longer than any weekday morning, and let me tell you how delightful that can be!  Uh huh.

But before too long, my inner being begins to long for that perfectly made morning hot cuppa.  I toss back the covers, slowly make my way to the kitchen and fill my silver teapot with water. Then I eagerly await the sound of that soft whistle calling out my name, welcoming me to a brand new day.

My Sweet Saturdays are filled with tea, raisin bread, cakes, croissants...whatever my heart needs to feel content.  Ahhh, such bliss.  :)

Stop by Sweet Saturdays for more lovely posts.

Tucked within

Photo by: MissAyleen

Here I sit in the early morning hours, curled up on my comfy sofa, embracing the perfect hot cuppa of English Breakfast.  Pulling my knees in closer, I close my eyes and begin to focus for a brief moment on the feelings and emotions that are tucked deep inside this heart of mine.  Tears begin to well up as I reflect back to sitting in a tattered mauve chair next to my father, holding his hand and telling him how much I love him.  To then hear him softly say in return, "I love you. You're so beautiful and precious. Don't you ever forget that."  More tears.

I continue to wade through the emotions that come along with facing grief, for it's not just the fact of having to watch someone you love die, but trying to prepare yourself in the process of it all for the when.  It's frankly impossible.  On top of that, guilt makes itself known in the most inconspicuous ways and before I know it, I'm blindsided and left with a heavy heart for not being by my father's side every waking moment. Ugh.

Every night I turn to look at my phone multiple times, fearing a missed call.  I struggle with allowing myself to fully slip back into life's regular routine for fear the moment that I do, I'll receive another blow of bad news.  It may sound pathetic, but it's reality and what I wake to each morning.