Friday, August 19, 2011

Saying Goodbye...


Late afternoon is approaching and I'm now sitting alone and facing the fact of having said goodbye to my father just a few hours ago.  This week has been one incredible whirlwind of emotions; good and bad.  Although I tried to prepare myself in advance, it never touched the surface of what I faced over the last five days.

When I first walked into my father's room on Monday, I felt numb and not yet ready to face the reality of things.  But as the curtain was pulled and my father turned to look at me, every mental support structure within my mind began to crumble.  I walked up to my barely recognizable dad, gently put my arms around him and we both cried for what seemed like forever.

As the week rolled by, subtle things began to catch my attention reminding me of my father's condition.  Things such as jaundice skin that was ice cold to the touch, bones protruding all over from significant weight loss, eyes that were no longer a bright blue but grey and clouded over, and so on.

Sitting here in the airport from a delayed flight, my heart is completely heavy.  Let me tell you how many times I have now broken down here in my seat, running all the memories of this past week through my mind.

I will find myself curled up under a pile of blankets in my own bed tonight but it will never provide the comfort of such grief and loss found in my heart at this very moment.
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34 comments

  1. All that I can say to comfort you Sophia is that you have done everything that you possibly can and this will be a great comfort to you in the coming weeks. You will feel content that you went to see him and have supported and been with your father this past week. Life throws some terrible things at us sometimes and, it is said that these times make us stronger. You have been the most wonderful daughter and you will have the memories to look back on. Be strong and try to remember all of the happy times. Much love and our thoughts are with you. XXXX

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  2. my first time here and i see the loss of your father...i have been here too...right where you are...it was 5 years ago. my mother. pancreatic cancer....

    i send deepest sympathy

    kary

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  3. My dear friend,

    I wish I had the words that would make everything right, would heal and make you both whole, would provide the solace you need.
    All I can share is I have been down this road and know the steps you've walked.
    I hope that is something.
    It will never be enough.

    Much love and abundant blessings~~
    Anne

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  4. Oh Sophia I don't have the words to convey just how much I feel for you right now. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you on the other side of the world and send you my love and support at this time in your life. All my love Nic xoxoxo

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  5. please forgive me for typo's, I'm typing through tears,, I wish i could give you a big hug,, I 've been under that pile of blankets,, its lonely place.. Your Daddy will never really be gone ,, you'll holdhim in your heart,,

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  6. There are no words...a fact I know all to well. Just know that if ever you need an ear of someone who understands I am here....and in the mean time I am thinking of you and praying for you .

    sincere hugs my friend

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  7. Darling girl, you are in my thoughts.You are in my heart. I am so glad that you have had the opportunity to reconcile with your dad. Love ya

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  8. thank you for sharing such intimate details about your life...I am sending you love into the universe tonight......be kind and gentle to yourself the next few weeks. blessings. pam

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss. Bless you.

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  10. Sophia, I wish I could take some of your pain and grief away. I feel for you, and send you lots of hugs and sparkles. Valerie

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  11. Yes your heart will be heavy - but, I'll wager, not as heavy as it would become if you hadn't had these last moments with him. Maybe, given time, there will be some comfort in that.

    This post - and the equally tender, poignant pictures - does remind me in an all-too-raw sense of the last time I saw my father (and that was 15 years ago!), and I've a lump in my throat.

    x

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  12. Know that I am thinking of you and sending prayers to you and your family. I am so so sorry for all that you are going through.

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  13. i lost mine too back in 2007... so please know that its not goodbye, but instead, 'i will see you soon, in time'. :')

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  14. There are no words of comfort during this time. Only know there are loving people out there to support and carry you through these tough times. Wishing you love with light moments in your day. Hoping you let joy trickle in at certain moments to ease the heartache. Big cyber hugs to you!

    Love Sherrie

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  15. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It's wonderful that you got a chance to say good-bye, although I'm sure it must have been very painful. Not everyone gets that chance. I wish you strength and courage. May the love and support of friends and family, and the good memories you have of your Dad, sustain you and your family.

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  16. HUGS, my friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  17. Sophia dear, how heart breaking. You are both in my prayers. Sending hugs...cara

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  18. I so sorry... big hugs to you...

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  19. so sorry, at this difficult time. It's hard to find words.

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  20. Love, hugs prayers for you Sophia! xoxo

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  21. I am so sorry......hugs and prayers to you.....

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  22. I am so sorry. In the time to come those precious moments when you held each other in your arms will mean so much. For now, there are no words to comfort. Thinking of you. Sarah x

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  23. your love will negate time and distance in between of you. bit lost of words, sending you my thoughts.

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  24. You are very brave, shattered I am sure but your underlying strength will carry you. Our family sends you a hug, let your friends be your support and be gentle, very gentle, with yourself. Your dad will always look down on you now and he will be your light and your guide, he will always live in your heart. We have lit a candle for your dad and its light also shines for you. God Bless Sophia, may your dad sleep well.

    xxxx Many Hugs we are thinking of you and send you love and peace.

    Lenora and family

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  25. i wish i had the words to help you and comfort too, but i'll send love instead. in the end thats all there is. it's wonderful you have such a lovely dad. hug hug hug.

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  26. Sending you thoughts of love, healing and peace!
    HUgs
    victoria

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  27. It's hard to even read this. So heartbreaking. Hugs and prayers, Sweetie.

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  28. Oh, my goodness--my dear I am so sorry. ((hugs)) I'm praying for you. My own dear Dad is becoming more and more frail.

    God bless you dear one.

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  29. Sorry for you loss, Sophia. Sending love and hugs during your time of mourning. What a blessing for you and him to have the time together. You will always be connected. Take care of yourself.

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  30. So sorry! Prayers for courage and comfort.

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  31. Dearest Sophia. I am just catching up on blogs and I am so sad to hear of your loss. I truly understand how you are feeling as I lost my father the same way just over 2 years ago. It's heartbreaking. You are in my heart, my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need someone to talk to then please drop me a line.

    Please take care of yourself - I didn't and became quite ill afterwards. It may be the last thing on your mind, but eating is so important, as is sleeping if you can.

    Big hugs to you and your father would be so proud xxxxxx

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  32. praying for you sweet girl.
    big hugs

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