Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Being strong for daddy


For the first time since my father's diagnosis a month ago, I broke down.  It was a short and hard cry but one that was well overdue.  What triggered it was the photo above I received last night.  It was the first time I had seen my father in over two years and I barely recognized him.  In fact, the only way I did was by his eyes.

[tears flowing again]

As I examined the picture of my father, every single emotion that I had compartmentalized and tucked away in the back of my mind came crashing down.  I lost it and the reality of the situation finally hit me.  So much, that I barely made it to the bathroom before I began vomiting.

A thousand thoughts started rushing through my mind, including guilt that I had not made it to see him as of yet.  It's not that I don't want to, it's the fact that so many other things affect how and when I get there; to a place that is over 1200 miles away from where I currently live.  Things like work, timing, money, etc.

Until these things are worked out, I wake up every morning and place my thoughts/feelings back into the make believe box painted red and blue, sit it on top of my dresser and lift my head high to face another day being strong for my daddy.  His birthday is coming up and I want it to be the best one he has ever had.
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20 comments

  1. poor Sophia, life can be so tough. Be strong for yourself.

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  2. oh Sophia I wish I could do something to help you. Please know that my thoughts are with you as you go through this and I'm sending positive thoughts and love your way, thank you for sharing your photo with us! xoxoxo

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  3. Sophia sending you a big hug!

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  4. I know from my experience of taking care of mum in her last year...it is so important to allow yourself to feel your emotions my friend. I never cried in front of mum, but often would take a walk (just around the block) and cry, yell, scream at the heavens...whatever I needed to make it throught that moment. And truly thats what it is, just making it through moment to moment.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  5. Speaking as a person who has lost both her parents I think i can understand a bit of your feelings. It's ok to cry. Crying does in fact help. It is sad that the miles are separating you both but you need to know that the miles do not diminish your love for your father and he for you. Faith heals and I know that prayers do help. I am praying for you and that soon things will line up and you will be able to see his eyes in person. Lost the guilt, I am sure your dad understands and know how very much you care about him. Take care.

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  6. Hi Sophia...I know in my heart of hearts that you are a very strong person and I know you will get through this rough patch.....I hope you find the strength you need and a way to go and see your Father.....I know you will find a way!!!

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  7. I feel for you Sophie. You must find the way to get to him.Things like work and money loom large, but this is more important.Take care.Sarah x

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  8. i'm so sorry for what you and your father are going through:( thinking of you sophia! xox

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  9. I so sorry you are going through this. Sending love and prayers your way.

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  10. My thoughts, too, are with you. xx

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  11. Sophia,
    You will be as strong as you need to be...that being said, it's good that you did release some of the pent up emotions you've been carrying around. You NEED to do that occasionally.
    Will be praying for you and keeping you and and your family in my thoughts.

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  12. Sophia, I can understand how hard that must have been to see this photo. I was in your same shoes years ago. I was living in Japan and my father was not well. It's hard not being there immediately. It looks like you have plans to get there for his birthday. He'll be happy to see you I'm sure. Sending you hugs and strength.

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  13. Sophia,
    there are many things we go through emotionally in life that it is important to feel each and everyone one of them. you are allowed to cry and break down. it's all part of the process. continue to be strong, my friend...I wish i could do something to help you....all my hugs are for you! xo
    heather

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  14. Hugs Sophia,

    Sorry you are feeling so sad ~ I always find it to be a a relief somewhat to just experience what you need to and let yourself have the time you need to feel what you need to feel.

    thinking of you,
    xo

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  15. I have a similar situation - my dad is not very healthy, plus he has lost his sight. We live far away from each other. I have arrived at this conclusion - what's most important is that we love each other.

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  16. Oh, hun I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. My dad is also ill and isn't going to recover so I do understand how hard it is. He knows you love him, even if you can't be there right now, and that will help him be strong. Hugs.

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  17. Oh Sophie,my hearts goes out to you.
    I live 2 plane trips away from my family and I know how hard it can be when you cannot make the trip home when someone is seriously ill. Talk with him, tell him of your day, let him know you love him, keep close even though you can't be there. He will understand and know you love him.
    Hugs

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  18. Dear One, allow yourself to feel the feelings. I know it is hard but so much more healthy. I think of you daily and sending you all my love.

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