Life has had so many significant changes since July of last year that honestly, it's been a struggle figuring out any sort of routine with my work and life. Nothing truly "feels" right inside, leaving me feeling unsettled and disconnected. Maybe it's because I/we have been on-the-go for the past year with various life circumstances that it's preventing the much needed re-connection with life?
It's hard to believe it was just a year ago we sold most of our belongings and relocated to another country to live for 4 months. As of today, it's only been 7 months since we packed up and returned to Colorado to begin life yet again in another new home. That's a lot of change in itself! I remember struggling last Autumn and blogging about the desire in finding my place and a routine in Scarborough. So, why I am feeling surprised that I'm in the same predicament now?
Since we've been back, Michael's mother passed away, my oldest step-son graduated from college (and is now serving a 2-year commitment in Botswana with the Peace Corps), and my brother and sister whom I had never met, found us! What an incredible miracle that has changed my life forever. My heart is overjoyed to finally have them in my life! Add to that, the ongoing journey of still trying to locate my younger brother in California who's been struggling with homelessness for quite some time now.
With all that said, I'm longing for that certain peace I've not felt in quite awhile. My heart aches and I feel it wouldn't take much for the tears to begin flowing down these pale, flush cheeks of mine. Despite this restlessness, though, I'm certainly thankful for everyone in my life and all we've been blessed with. I'm sure once things settle down that "missing link" will fall right into place and my creative soul will be at peace once again.
Hi Alexandra, it's nice to read from you again. I have been following you on Facebook. Life does that with us at times, I myself has been pulled from my art (for now) and I've found another calling in the mountain rescue team I'm involved with and undergoing training this year, nearly finished and ready for assessements. But have to be focused due to all first aid training, and soon helicopter training with the coast guard. This has pulled me from blogland a bit.
ReplyDeleteI hope you'll find your mojo again, and agree being by the sea is something isn't it?
Have a great Sunday!
Eva
Eva! so lovely to "see" you here. I didn't realize you set your art aside for now but do hope your new calling blesses you and those around you. What an amazing thing to do, let alone personal sacrifice! Thank you for popping in and leaving your wonderful comment. x
DeleteYou've had a crazy year or so, no wonder you feel a little unsettled. You seem extremely brave and strong to have held it all together through everything. And all while you've been illustrating and creating - you're an inspiration. I hope very much that you find your younger brother soon and the contentedness you deserve. x
ReplyDeleteI'm humbled at your lovely comment, Clare. Awww...thank you. Your words mean so much to me and have touched my heart. x
DeleteSweet Alexandra, from the outside looking in, it just seems as life it perfect, does`t it? I am sorry that you are struggling right now Yes, Lots of big things have happened in your life this last year, and any one of them would be huge but to have to juggle all of those circumstances and come out smiling and doing life "well" is hard indeed. Just praying for you this morning, for your soul to be at peace, to feel strengthened and ready to move on each day, with a renewed sense of wisdom and strength and courage. Courage to just do today, not to worry about tomorrow, just concentrate on today and slowly get back into your LIVING, as you create a new season in your life. Love to you today, Jane
ReplyDelete"Courage to just do today...." - That's TOTALLY it! Thank you, Jane. I feel like since I've written this post, a huge weight has shifted off my shoulders. It's not to say I'm still not feeling these things but it doesn't feel as such a heavy load simply sharing my feelings with family and friends. Thank you for your comment and especially your prayers! xo
DeleteSo much has been going on in your life, it sounds like you need some 'down' time. Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts, this is therapeutic in itself. I hope you can locate your brother soon.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree and hope it comes soon. Thank you for your lovely comment and your constant support all these years. It really means a lot to me. xo
DeleteAlexandra, yes, you both have been thru so much and the uprooting, twice inside of a year, is bound to leave you feeling a little disconnected and upside down. The new experiences, the sea, new home etc all dig into our sense of being "planted' and the purpose, I believe, is to show you a bit of something else. . . other possibilities. I don't know your situation or why you chose to live where you did when you returned but the sea, if it has entwined itself around you, is possible you know. :) We moved from an ever increasingly more expensive city to a little fishing town on the coast for many reasons but we still love it 6 yrs later and feel rooted here now. I had lived on this coast 10 years earlier in my life and regretted leaving it to move back to a city almost every day of that period. But in that city, amid all the unsettled feelings, I healed old wounds, I owned a lovely coffeehouse, I met Sofie, I found a way to make living with my artwork etc etc so it was just a necessary chapter in my life that led, eventually, back to living at the coast again. :)
ReplyDeleteI suppose what I am saying is that I think the uprooting is for a reason or, at the very least, to show you that many possible lives run parallel for us all. You could be at the sea, or in the mountains, or in the UK, or wherever is right for you and if you sit tight thru the tossing and turning of these internal tides, it will all calm itself again and show you that first sight of "land", the solid, supportive place you will belong.
One more thought about the sea. . . when I first moved here in 96 after being landlocked my whole life, I was moved immediately by the ocean and the river that ran through the town I lived in. I came to realize over the five years I was there, that people moved there from all over the world. Some stayed and made it a permanent home, some were only there a year or two and then moved away. What they all had in common was a need for the healing of the ocean. It was so palpable. That timelessness. The way wattle scale of it helping us all understand our small place here. The way flowing water wears everything down and moves around all obstacles in it's way. . . people need that. Maybe that is what you felt in the UK?
Just keep going forward and, as you do, you'll know. :)
Nicolas, thank you for your words of kindness, love and encouragement. Let alone, for taking the time to write so much! I appreciate it and cherish what you've said. I agree with everything you've said here and am glad I took the time to finally sit down and write out my feelings. Between my post and supportive comments such as these, I feel like I'm starting to "sort" and make sense of everything.
DeleteAnd yes, I'll keep pushing forward!! :)
x
Dear sweet Alexandra.....This post, what you are doing right now, sharing this with us, your friends that love you is wonderful therapy. Putting down in words, and laying our heart and soul naked before others is a precious gift. I know the Heavenly Father is holding you in His mighty arms, and a new a wonderful peace is waiting for you....You are so loved. You are so gifted, and have such a humble and sweet spirit. Love and Hug and prayers for all your heart desires.
ReplyDeleteWanda, thank you for your loving words. It really means a lot as I sort through all of the feelings and where life (God) is going to take us next. Your words really blessed my heart. x
DeleteLovely to read your post. I continue to follow your lovely illustration journey on Facebook and love your work. Seeing you pop new characters up always puts a smile on my face. I enjoy seeing what new lovelies you create. Thanks for sharing your heart. Most people go through bunches of stuff, incredible stuff, mundane stuff. Life has a habit of keeping us on our toes, but just know, you are not alone and sometimes certain things have their own time line to sort out and we just have to be patient. Life generally keeps us all busy learning patience. Lol. Great post. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, so lovely to officially "meet" you! Thank you for your support and your wonderful encouragement here! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here and helping me to "see" through things clearly....and to keep pushing forward! :)
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Sometimes you do need to cry, it can help a lot to just let the tears flow. No wonder you are feeling restless, moving twice in a year, finding and meeting "new" family members, trying to find another. Its a lot to deal with in a year. have that cry, I think you deserve it. and I hope you find your younger brother safe and sound.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, you're SO right and odd you say this as I just mentioned to Michael a few days ago that although I feel better from writing this post, I still feel as if I could cry...so I should!! :) Thank you for your lovely, warm thoughts here. SO glad I found you here in the blogger world! :)
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I'm glad I found you too in blogger world, your illustrations make me smile :D
DeleteHopefully all your sadness can be banished very soon dear - I know Michael's love and sense of humor will help you get through this difficult time. Families always have problems, be it perhaps ghosts and skeletons in the history cupboard, or today's ongoing movement, relocation, modern way of living in such a precarious society.
ReplyDeleteLoving thoughts go out to you, and hopefully a trip to the coast, east or west, can perhaps be part of your near future plans and renew your positive look at life. We are actually off to the NC coast for a couple of days this week - I need to see the ocean often as having grown up by the English seaside, and always having lived here on the east coast since coming to America, I would find it so hard to be far away from the sea.
Warmest hugs and thoughts coming your way today.
Mary x
Mary....THANK YOU! And you're right...everything about Michael does and will. :) I appreciate your warm, loving thoughts here and wish you a FABULOUS, safe trip to the coast! x
DeleteThere has been so much going on in your life, and understandably it sounds like you need some time to think/adjust. I sometimes think that sharing your thoughts does often help.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending my good wishes.
All the best Jan
There has been, Jan. I didn't realize just HOW much until after I had written this post. It also hit me that we have lived in FOUR homes in the past year and have only been back from living in England for about 7 months. No wonder I feel a bit "lost" right now. ;)
DeleteThank you for your loving thoughts.
x
If you need to cry, let it out! You have been through a lot in your life! I know everything will settle down and fall into place! Big Hugs!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks, Stacey. I do need to cry but am feeling a bit better (and spunkier) since writing this post! xo
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